America: the Movie (in Black & White)

The United States is borrowing $50,000 a second. That’s right, per second. This is a runaway train. Our grandchildren are tied to the railroad tracks [cue the music]. The Keystone Cops [our elected officials] are running around in circles, raising their eyebrows, mugging for the camera [zoom in for a close-up], suddenly reversing direction without warning and crashing into each other. They are talking about guns, and gays, and girls in the infantry [Audience laugh here], only our enemies are laughing however. Meanwhile, [back at the ranch or down on the railroad track] the Loco-Motive [get it? loco motive?- anyway it’s a B movie] the Locomotive barrels on and we are shoveling more and more borrowed money into the boiler just to keep up a full head of steam. Simon Legree [evilly twirls his Fu Mancho] and smiles realizing that the “borrower is servant to the lender” and knows that America will try to save its children and gladly sell its soul once it realizes it has nothing left to give [cue the soul]. At this point our Hero jumps on his handsome steed, reaches for his pearl handled colt- revolver and then remembers that Diane Feinstein took it away. The Investors come with the Mandarin to collect the debt and take title to the land. They also take away our unread Bible and hand us an old copy of “The Good Earth” informing us that, “the Buck stops here.” [most will miss that one]. Auditorium lights come up, people kick the popcorn on the floor and head for the exits only to find that China has chained the doors. Comedy ends and then the Horror movie begins. – Ingimar DeRidder